If we accept that we live in a patriarchy, we must accept that that system is not going to make it easy for women to leave husbands. After all, if women had that kind of autonomy, it wouldn't be much of a patriarchy. The Institute for Family Studies found that 20% of married women wished to leave their husbands. In my own situation, I had endured 25 years of coercive control and violence which left me doubting my ability to do anything. Two things made me open my eyes a little wider. I was forced against my will to have two abortions at the ages of 39 and 40. The second one went very wrong and I bled heavily for months. When I told my husband that I thought I should go to hospital, he said, "you'll have to find someone to look after the children, I've got too much work to do." This was his response if he was ever required to parent the children he created. My response though was also to blame, because I believed that his work was very important and that my workload was of less significance. In the end, because he was throwing a birthday party for himself and I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything whilst that was going on, and because the blood loss was now really alarming, I chose to go to A&E in the middle of the night when all the children were asleep. This is another aspect of domestic abuse, abusers make sure to keep their victims so busy that the only time they have for themselves has to be taken from precious sleep time. When I was examined by a doctor and nurse, he asked me, "Why are you here now?" I responded, "Because the bleeding is so heavy and it's been going on for four months and I really want it to stop." He tried again, "No, why are you here now, at 4am?" I said that it was the only time when I had childcare because everyone was asleep so my husband wouldn't be bothered by the children. I saw the doctor look at the nurse and then he said, "Are you safe at home, Mrs Abrey?" Was I safe? Nobody had ever, as far as I could remember, concerned themselves with my safety. My initial response would have been, 'of course I'm safe' but the more that question embedded itself in my mind the more I wondered how long I could go on living this life that looked one way from the outside but felt endlessly uncomfortable and, yes, unsafe on the inside.
The final moment of reckoning came when an argument escalated so that my son had awoken and was holding back his father from delivering me yet another blow. In my dissociated state, I realised ENOUGH. I was lucky in that I did not have to go to a refuge like many women fleeing domestic abuse. I was able to go to a cottage that we had been renting out and was serendipitously empty at that time. However, as all domestic abuse charities know, the time of leaving is the most dangerous time. We are not meant to be able to get away, something in the system has become unbalanced and small men with fragile egos become obsessed with the idea of vengeance and crushing the women who dared to show them up by fleeing. In my case, this has been done by a very dodgy financial agreement which I was forced into signing because he made me believe that his finances were in a precarious state and only with details finalised would he be able to achieve solvency. I know what you're thinking.... I was incredibly naive. But this is how it can be if you've been denied access to bank accounts and any kind of financial agency. This is also how it can be if you cannot afford legal representation. Also naively, I felt that if I did borrow the money for a solicitor, this debt would actually impact how I was able to live my life with my children. I thought that I was being reasonable. What has of course transpired is that the family home that he is legally obliged to sell as per our agreement, he is now not selling and has moved his girlfriend in. She sleeps in my bed. Perhaps she plays the piano that I bought with my grandfather's inheritance, perhaps she kicks my dog. I don't know these things because I am forbidden entry into a property that is legally still half mine. I painted every wall in that house, I planted the peonies and the roses in the garden and I raised my five children there. Now I live in a two up, two down cottage with only my youngest two children as there is not room for anymore. My older children are also allowed access to their home only whilst supervised and choose not to go there if they can avoid it. So, my ex-husband lives in the six-bedroom family home with no family. It's easy to think that a woman who moves into another woman's home has no self-respect but I would well imagine that my ex husband has not told her that the house still belongs to me. Always a liar, he would say anything to get what he wanted.
I write this to raise awareness, not of domestic abuse for that would be a bigger post but to raise awareness of what it takes for women with children to leave men who they don't love because they are bullies. When I left, I left behind my home, my belongings, my son and my dog. No mother does that unless she is desperate. And yet still I have been told on countless occasions that I should not have left because I have put myself in such a weak position financially. This tells you everything you need to know about where financial power lies in our society. As we venture into 2026, still it holds true that a woman's choice is often to trade physical and emotional safety for some kind of coercive economic stability.
